I had only ever met one high-need baby in my ten years of working with kids - a three month old who I nannied for in Seattle. This little baby, who was huge for his age, was a very precious only child to a couple who practiced ecological breastfeeding, baby-wearing and, if my experience serves me correct, co-sleeping. I did not understand at the time why the mother was so particular about knowing the baby's schedule. Nor did I understand her constant concerned voice over the phone when she would call 3-5 times throughout the day finding out how the child was doing. I now fully understand. I had thought that parents who complained about their 'difficult' babies were exaggerating when they said that they did not know if they could ever be emotionally ready for a second child. Again, I now understand.
A letter to my wonderfully needy high-need daughter
My Dear Cora Beth, in so little time we have been through so much. You have taught me more about myself and my relationships with others in your first year of life then anyone previous. The first time I held you against my skin I felt a rush of love ill compared. I was going to do everything in my power to help you along in this world. I only hope that I serve you well in your eyes.
From hour one you nursed like a champ (we should have know then that you would have a love for food), slept wonderfully and let anyone hold you. This wonderful temperament that typical newborns have was short-lived. You soon began to use me as a pacifier, screamed when you were not held, slept only in arms, and refused bottles. Then at three months you began screaming if anyone but me even looked at you, or God forbid tried to hold you! It was the first time that papa had to hold a screaming you outside the shower with the door cracked so you could see me while I washed that we finally gave in and labeled you as a high-need baby. Thank you Dr. Sears for the kind term! I could go on for pages about the sleepless nights or missed outings over the past year but instead I would like to focus on the positive aspects of having a high-need daughter. Because like I said before you, my precious daughter, you have taught me more then I could imagine.
Patience - Before you I will admit that I had lived a bit of a spoiled life. The extent of my patience was waiting 30 minutes for the delivery man to bring my food. Now I have the ability to see the long-term benefits of my efforts. Whether it is waking up every hour to calmly nurse you back to sleep or holding you for your two hour naps because I know that you have a better chance of sleeping well at night if you are rested in the day. I know that if I attend to your need it makes the need disappear and helps to aid you in creating a secure self-image. Everything I do is to help you become a happy, healthy and secure person even if it means quitting my job because you refuse to let anyone else care for you.
Self confidence- You would not imagine the grief someone gets for being an attachment parent! When people learn that you do not bottle feed they ask why I don't think that others should have the bonding experience of feeding my baby. Like you gave me a choice! When people learn that we co-sleep comments are sometimes made about how parents 'need their own space' or that we are 'coddling the child'. People comment on how much you are held or how I breastfeed you on cue. But my favorite is when people learn that I have not left you for more then three hours at a time in your entire life. It makes me laugh when people offer to 'break you'. Funny, I did not know you were a horse. Through all of the questioning looks I hold true to my commitment to you. I look at how far you have come over the past year and you give me all the proof and confidence I need when my parenting practices are questioned. We have an amazingly close relationship that I would never trade for a night out.
Empathy- The mother-child relationship is the most influential on this trait. If a mother responds promptly and with empathy to a babies needs the child will grow up with empathy instilled. If a parent responds with aggression and impatiens the child will learn the traits respectively.
There are times when the last thing I want to do is put aside my needs / wants and attend to you. I will admit that I have a selfish side (surprising, I know). But when I looked at the situation from your point of view I realized that crying is your only way of verbalizing a need or fear. This realization completely changed my approach to not only our relationship but all relationships. I now always try to not only see but to understand every angle of a situation before I decide how to respond. Being the main caregiver of an infant is a life changing experience. To be solely in charge of another persons life makes you realize that haircuts, new clothing and a clean house are nowhere near as important as a content baby sleeping on your lap.
Yes, this first year has been sleep-less, challenging and draining but it has also been full of empathy, patience, lessons and love. You, and your big brother, have taught me what is to be a mother and I will forever be thankful for that. For you are my life and I will gladly live it parallel to yours.
Lots of loves-
Mama
-What is a high-need baby? Check out Dr. Sears article 12 Features of a High-Need Baby:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/t050400.asp
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